A "Real" Man.

A Gentleman...

…Does not mention names exactly as he avoids the mention of what things cost.

…Does not display his wealth, money, or possessions.

…Does not put his manners on and off, whether in the club or in a ballroom. He treats people with courtesy, no matter what their social position may be.

…Does not ‘lick the boots of those above’ nor ‘kick the face of those below’ him on the social ladder.

…Does not take advantage of another’s helplessness or ignorance and assumes that no gentleman will take advantage of him.

A Gentleman respects the reserves of others, but demands that others respect those which are his.

On another site, a facebook group of men, the simple statement was made, yet left unexplained, that a real man is a real man. While I cannot be sure what the author meant by this statement it made me think about the word "real" in the context of being a man. Particularly my thoughts brought me back to the Code and to the idea of reality being grounded in truth. Everything about the code of honor that a gentleman adheres to grounds him in Truth and with that grounding in truth comes a grounding in reality.

So a real man is real. He is not false. He is not something he is not nor does he attempt to appear to be something more than he is. That is not to say a man may not aspire to be more than he is at present for by the grace of God we may "be whatever [We} resolve to be." But, a real man, a gentleman does not make a display of his wealth or position. Dropping names,to show ones association with great men and women; discussing the cost of things whether to make a display of one's frugality as a virtue or of one's ability to possess the finer things, these make a man an attention seeker and not a gentleman who finds his value in himself and (one hopes) more so in humble association with his creator). Wealth, popularity, rank or position is merely an attribute or a resource or his platform at present and it is his to use according to the dictates of how his conscience responds to truth. It needs no display or ostentation. A gentleman does not grasp for the attention and admiration of others because he does not need their admiration to be the man he is.

This realness and comfort in ones position affects his relations to others as well. A gentleman is free to neither "suck up" to those above and does not fear the advancement of those presently beneath him. His integrity and good work suffice as does his clear conscience. From this position he can work for the benefit of those around him, teaching what he knows and sharing his resources as he believes he ought. He can speak the truth to power without fear, as it is not his place to be a "yes man" or to display any affinity for ideas or actions that are contrary to his understanding of what is true and good. He also is humble to admit mistakes and failings even in the area of misunderstanding or misinterpreting the truth and can display that humility before those above him and those under him in rank or position as well.

Finally, I want to address the subject of rank or position in general because it probably rubs against the sensibilities of many of us (and rightly so) when we hear talk of ones above us or beneath us. Really, life tends to place us on ladders whether we like it or not and while we may be "dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal", we often find ourselves in a position as a seeming inferior or superior to another. Being a real man, and a gentleman, grounded in truth overcomes this by making us accountable to the truth of our equality before our creator. Because of this we can be humbly real, respecting the reserves of others, not taking advantage of others disadvantages, and expecting the respect that comes with expecting the same from them. A gentleman can respond to the command to love one another (and even so far as he may have faith in Christ, to add Jesus' words "as I [Jesus] have loved you'), to love neighbor as he does himself, and to look out for the good of others. In short as I realized years ago watching Cadets and officers fawn over Flag Officers, and politicians as they visited, these too are just men. A gentleman is every man's equal seeking to keep no one beneath him on any of society's artificial ladders, and seek to elevate himself but never at the expense of his own dignity and worth or by dishonorable means.

Be what You resolve to be.
Mark

Where have all the cowboys gone?

From the Code:
"A Gentleman...
...Does not speak more than casually about his girlfriend.

...Does not go to a lady’s house if he is affected by alcohol. He is temperate in the use of alcohol.

...Does not hail a lady from a club window.

...A gentleman never discusses the merits or demerits of a lady."

I want to thank my friend and colleague Rev. Paul Becker for pointing out this article to me. He is a true gentleman in his own right and a well reasoned thinker and preacher. The article posits the question, Why are so many more women choosing a lesbian or bisexual orientation, and finishes with the hypothesis that perhaps it is because so many of the men in their lives are losers (creeps, cretins, fill in your favorite adjective). Read the article for yourself and realize that it is no conservative blog or Focus on the Family article, but Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sax-sex/201004/why-are-so-many-girls-lesbian-or-bisexualhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
The underlying hypothesis seems to be that pornography and the massive increase in it's acceptance has made boys and the men they become well...creepier, presenting young women and girls with a seemingly more wholesome alternative in relationships with other women who will love them like girlfriends rather than treat them like meat. Hard to argue with that logic.
Setting aside any discussion of morality for the moment, I tend to agree that It does seem that if the desire for intimacy is there in human beings, yet it is suppressed in males who separate sex from intimacy as the virtual and artificial world of porn does, then that desire will seek fulfillment from another quarter. Seriously men, the plain truth is you need to put down the magazines, shut off the computer and go be men. Learn something. Do something. Get a job for you own sake.
My advice to girls, originally given to my niece has been never even consider a guy unless he 1. Loves God, 2. Won't cheat on someone else to be with you, and 3. Has a Job or is at least working to be able to be gainfully employed. Why these three? If he truly loves God (not is just religious, there is a difference) then he'll love you because God says so. If he'll cheat on her he'll cheat on you. And if he's employed or employable you won't be working two or three jobs while he sits in your apartment on your couch playing your XBox all day. The problem for these girls though is they look at the goofballs around them and don't see anyone who fits that description. They don't see Gentlemen. They see boys gawking at their bodies and talking about how hot they are (or are not.)
Really men, I'm not here to argue that women become lesbians simply because guys are cretins, but manning up and offering women more than a sperm donor and baby-daddy might at least give ladies something to consider.

A Hard Sell

I realize the Idea of encouraging men to be gentlemen is a hard sell. Especially when we are already burdened with many "standards" to live by. The Code seems to be yet another impossible list to keep, like the ten commandments, an employer's or profession's code of ethics, or the unwritten and often conflicting expectations culture places on our manhood. Yet I don't see the Code as another list but a clarification of many of those lists we already struggle to keep. What makes us gentlemen may be the fact that we all attempt to live by some set of standards deeper than the immediate appetite that is grumbling to be satisfied. Much of our "Promise Keeping" to borrow a phrase from another men's movement, is done by something in our nature that drives us to live a certain way, act a certain way, and treat others a certain way.
In that, I want to encourage you, the reader, You are not burdened with another standard but instead honored for the standards you already keep, with the title, gentleman.

Be all you resolve to be.
Mark

A strange origin for an idea

Where did I get the idea for this blog?

Of all places the deciding moment for this idea was a reply to a post on Cold Steel Knives Facebook page. Before that it has been a string of events pivoting at the 2011 NRA Show and annual Meeting in Pittsburgh PA. I say pivoting because I can go farther back and say it could well have begun in the Summer of 1996 when I began studies at Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary, a few short weeks after graduating from the Virginia Military institute.

What do all of these events have to do with each other. Well, as you read "The code" you'll probably understand that there is a certain type of person who is attracted to such a place as VMI. In my case, I was attracted to the place at a college fair when I read about the school's Honor Code. After four years, I graduated from VMI, with a degree in History, minors in English and Psychology, and a Reserve forces duty commission in the US Army. My goal was to serve God and country as a Chaplain in the Army, in pursuit of which I had gained acceptance to a Seminary in my denomination, the Presbyterian Church USA. Going from a four year military college, unknowingly to a liberal theological seminary was quite a culture shock for me and I quickly learned that the values I absorbed as a kid in a Christian home, a conservative Presbyterian church, and Catholic Schools, and had codified under VMI's discipline and Honor Code were not going to make me a popular guy in a progressive and particularly feminist heavy, theological school.

Between the ending of my brief and inglorious military career (due to a medical issue that, had I lied or omitted reporting, would never have been an issue) and immersion in a progressive religious culture that said guys like me were the problem rather than any part of the solution to the problems, of the world, I began to believe there was something wrong with me.

While I somehow managed to survive seminary and graduate, and even become ordained in a denomination that continually reminded me that resistance to a progressive agenda was futile and I could at best hope to be "tolerated" as long as I kept my archaic and recalcitrant values to myself, the underlying message in those circles was there was not a place where self described "gentlemen" fit in.

Fast forward to the eleventh year of my career as a pastor and a trip to the NRA convention. Those whose understanding of "gun nuts" is informed only by the media would expect a very different scene than the one I saw in Pittsburgh. I saw a gathering over the two days I was there, of over 71,000 of the most courteous mass gathering of people I have even been around, similar to even what I had seen at massive gatherings of "Promise Keepers" and the first experience in years of a place where I genuinely fit in. As a result of that gathering I became reacquainted to an all but abandoned love of shooting sports that I had neglected for the last 10 years. I also began exploring blogs and Facebook pages and other sources of information related to this hobby and other outdoor, and defensive pursuits. (Remember that value from "The code" that the gentleman "is the descendant of the knight, the crusader the defender of the defenseless etc.")

Anyway the next set of connections runs pretty fast. I recently discovered a show on the Discovery Channel that feeds my interest in these things, "Sons of Guns", and after becoming a fan on Facebook saw a video of a past episode where one of the guys attempted to build a Katana Machete I commented on the Cold Steel Page that I knew that they produced a similar item which led to a string of comments including a brief conversation about what a great show "Sons of Guns" is and how important it is that "we" that is the community of like minded people exhibiting what Cold Steel calls the "warrior mindset", encourage one another in our better pursuits of those values. Specifically, after agreeing that the Owner of Red Jacket, the subject of "Sons of Guns", should be respected for his accomplishments, I said,

"If those of us with like mindsets don't stand together and encourage each other our kind will become even more marginalized by "society". I get annoyed by blogs where the participants call anyone who hasn't done what they've done "....bags" etc. or use the word "sucks" until it has no meaning. Encourage, teach, and enjoy what is good."

Indeed I have a pet peeve about the word "Sucks" being used for anything that isn't the author's favorite and conversations that resort to name-calling rather than encouraging a mutually shared interest. Before I had time to complete the post and hit "enter" another poster wrote calling the very person we were talking about a vulgar four letter term for female anatomy.

This was where I was inspired. Is it possible to create a forum for men who pursue a gentlemanly lifestyle to share their ideas and encourage one another in their pursuit of honor? Time will tell.

Be whatever you resolve to be.
Mark

An Idea whose time has come...and some would say has gone.

"Without a strict observance of the fundamental code of honor (cf. That a gentleman does not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do) no man no matter how polished may be considered a gentleman..." The Code of a Gentleman

"A Gentleman makes a woman a lady, and a lady makes a man a gentleman." Sister Mary Eileen, former principal St. James School, Sewickley PA

I've grown up learning various values that would encourage me to what is called "Gentlemanly" conduct. There are numerous definitions of what constitutes a gentleman, or even of what defines manhood or masculinity. The Code of a Gentleman is not the only such code but it is the one I am familiar with and the basis of an Idea I wish to share with like minded men.

The Code of a gentleman, written on your right was the code of conduct taught to cadets at the Virginia Military Institute until 1997 when the admission of women to that institution necessitated a change in language. Yet those values are values that I embraced as a cadet and have attempted to live to the best of my ability ever since. Yet those same values are viewed often as archaic, belonging to a less enlightened time,and often rightly have been accused of being a part of a social system which, far from, creating an ideal code of conduct, created a veneer of decency over a core of corruption, abuse and social injustice.

However I would argue that it is not the values themselves that are failed, but the basic human inability to live up to any such standard perfectly and to keep oneself uncorrupted in the face of temptation, or opportunity, or advantage, that led to any abuses. My goal in creating this blog is to begin with a simple idea, that there is such a thing as a gentleman (and a lady for that matter) and that many such men and women exist. More importantly more would exist if there were a way to encourage the values of gentlemanly life in our time. Such men need a way to gather and to encourage this way of living.

I have chosen a blog for my starting point for this idea as it is the easiest way to test such an idea given the ability to simply connect people through social media and the internet. If this idea takes root who knows what may come about.

I am looking for gentlemen (and ladies too)who would agree with the virtues at right and who would likewise be open to more discussion on what makes a gentleman. Most men's magazines and forums are focused or what men "like" and tend to shape masculinity in the image of success, possessions, sexual prowess and appetite, physical appearance and strength. Even the term "Gentlemen's Club" connotes a place where men gather to stare at women in states of immodesty, likely over a significant amount of alcohol. Either that or the term "gentleman" can indicate a slightly less than masculine dandy or an man of mild manners who is "nice" in the sense of , "nice guys" who finish last. However, I chose the name, Gentlemen's Club for this idea specifically because I believe there is a need to reclaim the definition of a Gentleman from the state of disrepair it has fallen into. I hope to gain contributors who will write on all the usual subjects of a men's forum but with the distinct perspective of a shared value of those who live or attempt to live by "The Code".

I have the great privilege of knowing many such men already and hope to see them as a part of this experiment. If you find yourself to be a gentleman, or a lady who values gentlemen, I encourage you to keep in contact with this blog or share a contribution.

Until then, Be all that you resolve to be.
Mark